As part of his long-term goal of remaking the Middle East, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld today suggested merging Iraq and Afghanistan into one nation, tentatively named Iraqistan.
The merger of the two nations would result in "significant" savings, Mr. Rumsfeld said, since the cost of escalating one great big war was smaller than that of escalating two smaller wars.
To complete the merger, Mr. Rumsfeld said, a ten-lane highway through Iran would be built by the Halliburton Company at an estimated cost of $800 billion.
Explaining the choice of Halliburton, Mr. Rumsfeld said, "Halliburton has by far the most experience at being granted enormous contracts without bidding for them."
Just hours after Mr. Rumsfeld's announcement, President Mohammad Khatami of Iran objected to the Secretary of Defense's plan, particularly Mr. Rumsfeld's proposal to line the Iranian superhighway with Motel 6 and Denny's franchises.
Moments after Mr. Khatami's speech, however, Mr. Rumsfeld issued a fresh warning to the Iranian leader: "If Iran so much as obstructs the construction of even one Denny's or Motel 6, that will be seen as a direct threat to the sovereignty of the Iraqistanian people."
Mr. Rumsfeld, while stopping short of threatening Iran with war, said he would not rule out incorporating Iran into a new nation, tentatively named Iraqiranistan.
While some foreign policy experts worry that an Operation Iraqiranistanian Freedom might spread the U.S.'s military resources too thin, Mr. Rumsfeld identified what he called a "huge upside" of such a war: "Instead of three nations being ticked off at us, there'd just be one."
Andy Borowitz
The Borowitz Report: http://www.borowitzreport.com
Waste Someone's Time: Forward to a Friend.
Please also see:
A tally of US taxpayers' tab for Iraq, By David R. Francis
http://www.csmonitor.com/2003/0825/p16s01-coop.html
AND
**** 'WHO MOVED MY SOAP' – NOW IN ITS FIFTH PRINTING! ****
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"The funniest business-book title we've come across in a while is from humorist Andy Borowitz: 'Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison." -- The Washington Post
"Combines ridiculous reality and scandalous fantasy with hilarious consequences… Should be required reading in the boardrooms of the U.S." – The Times of London
"Very funny." -- Publishers Weekly
"Delightful." – USA Today
"A must-read." – Forbes.com
"A strong candidate for our book of the year award." – The Guardian (U.K.)
"Goes straight for the belly laughs." – Orlando Sentinel
"Just the pick-me-up that you need." – San Jose Mercury News
"Laugh-out-loud funny." – CBS Early Show
"This hilarious new book from satirist Andy Borowitz is essential reading for corporate evildoers everywhere." -- About.com
"Hilarious! Andy Borowitz is a comedic genius." -- Amazon.com review
To order, please visit The Borowitz Report: http://www.borowitzreport.com
The merger of the two nations would result in "significant" savings, Mr. Rumsfeld said, since the cost of escalating one great big war was smaller than that of escalating two smaller wars.
To complete the merger, Mr. Rumsfeld said, a ten-lane highway through Iran would be built by the Halliburton Company at an estimated cost of $800 billion.
Explaining the choice of Halliburton, Mr. Rumsfeld said, "Halliburton has by far the most experience at being granted enormous contracts without bidding for them."
Just hours after Mr. Rumsfeld's announcement, President Mohammad Khatami of Iran objected to the Secretary of Defense's plan, particularly Mr. Rumsfeld's proposal to line the Iranian superhighway with Motel 6 and Denny's franchises.
Moments after Mr. Khatami's speech, however, Mr. Rumsfeld issued a fresh warning to the Iranian leader: "If Iran so much as obstructs the construction of even one Denny's or Motel 6, that will be seen as a direct threat to the sovereignty of the Iraqistanian people."
Mr. Rumsfeld, while stopping short of threatening Iran with war, said he would not rule out incorporating Iran into a new nation, tentatively named Iraqiranistan.
While some foreign policy experts worry that an Operation Iraqiranistanian Freedom might spread the U.S.'s military resources too thin, Mr. Rumsfeld identified what he called a "huge upside" of such a war: "Instead of three nations being ticked off at us, there'd just be one."
Andy Borowitz
The Borowitz Report: http://www.borowitzreport.com
Waste Someone's Time: Forward to a Friend.
Please also see:
A tally of US taxpayers' tab for Iraq, By David R. Francis
http://www.csmonitor.com/2003/0825/p16s01-coop.html
AND
**** 'WHO MOVED MY SOAP' – NOW IN ITS FIFTH PRINTING! ****
Every convicted CEO from the Hamptons to Malibu is reading "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison" by Andy Borowitz. Only $9.95 at Amazon.com or at your local bookstore.
"The funniest business-book title we've come across in a while is from humorist Andy Borowitz: 'Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison." -- The Washington Post
"Combines ridiculous reality and scandalous fantasy with hilarious consequences… Should be required reading in the boardrooms of the U.S." – The Times of London
"Very funny." -- Publishers Weekly
"Delightful." – USA Today
"A must-read." – Forbes.com
"A strong candidate for our book of the year award." – The Guardian (U.K.)
"Goes straight for the belly laughs." – Orlando Sentinel
"Just the pick-me-up that you need." – San Jose Mercury News
"Laugh-out-loud funny." – CBS Early Show
"This hilarious new book from satirist Andy Borowitz is essential reading for corporate evildoers everywhere." -- About.com
"Hilarious! Andy Borowitz is a comedic genius." -- Amazon.com review
To order, please visit The Borowitz Report: http://www.borowitzreport.com