On Wall Street, stocks for the big investment firms rallied on the news of the $200 billion crime advance, as investors seemed to agree that it would streamline the firms’ ability to commit crimes in the future.

In related news, one day after being banned from the securities industry, Henry Blodget, the former Merrill Lynch analyst known for his uniformly bullish reports on tech stocks, was named Information Minister for the new government of Iraq.

“A fully democratic government in Baghdad should be up and running by Thursday at the latest,” Mr. Blodget said.

Andy Borowitz
The Borowitz Report http://www.borowitzreport.com
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