U.S. MAY BE CLOSE TO FINDING CHENEY; Oil Stocks Rally on Rumors, by Andy Borowitz (satire)

Article image The U.S. may be close to finding Vice President Dick Cheney for the first time since he disappeared in late 2001, sources close to the search for Mr. Cheney revealed today.
While the White House refused to comment on the rumors indicating that the U.S. was “closing in” on Mr. Cheney, oil stocks rallied on the speculation that the missing Vice President might soon be located.

“Oil investors hate uncertainty,” said Joe Belson, a petroleum stock analyst for Morgan Stanley. “Knowing that Dick Cheney is alive and well makes them feel like they’ll be taken care of.”

While officials conducting the search for Mr. Cheney would not specify the Vice President’s precise coordinates, speculation centered on a PGA golf course in one of the Western states.

One official said that a laptop seized from Credit Suisse First Boston’s fallen star Frank Quattrone contained a “treasure trove” of information that may have aided in the search for the elusive veep, but he added that optimism about finding Mr. Cheney remained “guarded at best.”