Struggling with rising fuel costs and sagging profits, several leading airlines announced today that they would attempt to boost their revenues by stowing passengers in their aircrafts' overhead bins.
After Airbus announced earlier this week that it was toying with the idea of introducing standing room areas for passengers in the rear of their planes, the airlines decided that the time was right to pitch the idea of stowing passengers in a part of the plane that has customarily been reserved for carry-on luggage.
"Stowing passengers in the overhead bins should allow us to squeeze a few extra dollars out of every flight, and right now, every extra dollar counts", said Carol Foyler, a spokesperson for the airlines group. "Plus, since they'll be stuffed up there for the duration of the flight, we won't have to give them peanuts."
"Stowing passengers in the overhead bins should allow us to squeeze a few extra dollars out of every flight, and right now, every extra dollar counts", said Carol Foyler, a spokesperson for the airlines group. "Plus, since they'll be stuffed up there for the duration of the flight, we won't have to give them peanuts."
While the proposal to stow passengers in the dark, cramped compartments was hailed by the airline industry as a bold innovation, consumer watchdog groups complained that the option of riding in the overhead bins would not be available to tall or obese passengers.
Ms. Foyler acknowledged that the overhead bins would mainly be used to stow "smaller, more compact passengers", but said larger passengers could check themselves as luggage and be stored in the cargo hold.
"The only caveat is that if you check yourself as luggage you are dramatically increasing your chances of being lost forever", she said.
Andy Borowitz
ANDY IN AUSTRALIA
MAY 22-28
Andy makes his first ever visit to Australia from May 22 to 28 as part of the Sydney Writers' Festival. For information, go to http://www.swf.org.au .
For more pertinent satire, please visit:
The Borowitz Report
http://www.borowitzreport.com
Ms. Foyler acknowledged that the overhead bins would mainly be used to stow "smaller, more compact passengers", but said larger passengers could check themselves as luggage and be stored in the cargo hold.
"The only caveat is that if you check yourself as luggage you are dramatically increasing your chances of being lost forever", she said.
Andy Borowitz
ANDY IN AUSTRALIA
MAY 22-28
Andy makes his first ever visit to Australia from May 22 to 28 as part of the Sydney Writers' Festival. For information, go to http://www.swf.org.au .
For more pertinent satire, please visit:
The Borowitz Report
http://www.borowitzreport.com